THE FUTURE NEVER ARRIVES ON TIME

It’s always too early or too late.  Too little, too late.  Where’s my flying car and my robot butler?  And why am I so old all of a sudden?  And why does the music suck so bad?  When the Hell did that happen?!

In some ways, we’re behind the times we thought we’d be living in by now.  No vacations to the moon.  No pneumatic tubes whisking everywhere. But there is evidence of a brave new world just around the corner.  Scottish scientists announced they’ve successfully cloned a female sheep.  Ewe.  I mean, Eww.  This makes me wanna puke my guts out on the sidewalk in front of O’Malleys.  Anyone bother to consider the real ramifications of this stuff?  What sort of genetic abnormalities is this cloned sheep going to suffer from?  What manner of hidden defects can we expect to find in her?  Retardation?  Premature aging?  Apparently, this is the most complex organism to be cloned so far and the scientific community has no plans to stop here.

Maybe if cloning were to become a reality a hundred years from now when we’re responsible stewards of the earth, then I’d be okay with it.  But look around you.  Look at us constantly trying to one up each other through our immaturity.  Blanch with me at the way we fight and quarrel over petty things.  We can’t even make good music anymore!  My God, we’re not evolving, we’re devolving!

The scary thing is someday, a man will clone a man.  Some overzealous scientist will clone a human being and not to make the world a better place.  They’ll do it just to say, “look at me!  Aren’t I smart?”  Look people, the world is filled with assholes.  So the odds are good that whoever they clone will just be the clone of an asshole.

And what if they don’t clone an asshole?  That’d be even worse.  What if they clone someone sweet and good natured?  Someone entirely undeserving of the physical and psychological stresses she’ll no doubt be put under.  Will these science crackpots add insult to injury by giving her a stupid name like Dolly?  Or will she just be a number?  What kind of life will this hypothetical girl be allowed?  Will her life even be hers?

And most importantly, how would any of this get me even a day closer to my flying car?!

-Zager